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1) have nothing to do
2) own a sharp knife
3) have a large lime
4) own a patient cat
5) drink too much tequila
6) and it's football season?
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Talking Dog!!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He
rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In
no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, She had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
........ The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap!"
(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -nose height)
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a
paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim
for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because! I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge ! and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT & LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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Hercules: The World's Biggest Dog Ever According to Guinness World Records. Hercules was recently awarded the honorable distinction of World's Biggest Dog by Guinness World Records. Hercules is an English Mastiff who has a 38-inch neck and weighs 282 pounds. With "paws the size of softballs" (reports the Boston Herald), the three-year-old monster is far larger and heavier than his breed's standard 200lb. limit. Hercules' owner Mr. Flynn says that Hercules weight is natural and not induced by a bizarre diet: "I fed him normal food and he just "grew"... and grew and grew and grew.
This is for those that haven't seen the 16 baby pandas. SICHUAN, China --
One zoo in southwest China has its hands full with 16 baby pandas.
The Sichuan Wolong Panda Protection and Breed Center is dealing with the
results of a breeding boom -- 16 pandas have been born since July, 2006.
The brood includes five sets of twins. The cubs are weighed and measured every
five days (see pics)
The heaviest tips the scale at just over 24 pounds, while the lightest
weighs about 11 pounds. The pandas are due to stop suckling by February,
2007 just about the time they'll start learning to walk. Once weaned, the
panda cubs will attend panda kindergarten.
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